Like Breath
by Kiryn
Summary: Axel just couldn't explain it.


**A/N: *sheepish look* Hello there. I've kind of gotten onto a list kick lately (and I think you can tell what I mean if you take a scroll down), so this baby started writing itself in my head, and came out as something of a character study of Axel. More might come, I'm not sure. Anyway, please review! **

**WARNINGS: Just the tiniest bit of mentioned slash. **

**Disclaimer: I am Square Enix. Bow before me, minions. Nah, just kidding. Own nothing recognizable. Ha, I so wish. Title name taken from Leann Rhymes' song "I Need You". **

Like Breath

_(Axel just couldn't explain it.)_

The things Axel would never admit.

i. The hollow emptiness, the numbness all the Nobodies felt scared him. Because how was it any different than being a corpse? And Axel had never wanted to be dead.

ii. Boredom. That was the reason he had joined the Organization. Really, what else would there have been to do for a Nobody, never accepted, never belonging anywhere. Why not band together? And it didn't seem to be too bad of a gig.

iii. He had never, not once, believed in Kingdom Hearts, or in Xemnas' great plans. It had never been Axel's goal. A corpse could never get its life back, and he didn't see why it would be any different for them. The dead would stay dead, and he wished they would just accept that already.

iv. He liked pretending he was stupid sometimes because he liked the power it gave him over them, to know something that they didn't.

v. He never knew, and would never know, what had compelled him to talk to Roxas, to make him so determined to have Roxas talk back to him.

vi. He'd always blamed Roxas for the downfall of the Organization. He didn't think it was unreasonable. Roxas had given Xemnas a means, a sure pathway of reaching his goal when in Axel's opinion they'd been just fine the way they were. Roxas also, in a way, spurned the events at Castle Oblivion, because somewhere along the way he made Axel care about him. And Axel had kinda, almost hated him for it.

vii. After Roxas left, Axel quickly alienated Demyx from him, when before they had been semi-friendly. He hated himself for wishing that the flash of blond he'd caught at the corner of his eye was Roxas. And he'd never seen Luxord all that much. He wouldn't say any of this because he hates the control Roxas had over him, even when he wasn't coming back. But things got lonely after a while without the musician's presence.

viii. Axel didn't even like sunsets. And he'd started hating them even more when he realized that he missed seeing them caught in strands of golden blond hair.

ix. The most pain Roxas had inflicted on him hadn't been when he'd left, nor later when he had refused to leave with Axel and escape his doom. No, that had been when he called out for those stupid computer simulations instead of Axel, chosen them over him.

x. That was also the first and only time he had ever wanted Roxas to _burn_.

xi. He had tried several times to cry. He always laughed instead, even though he felt inadequate that he couldn't make something as easy as a teardrop.

xii. He had lied to Sora. Sora had never made him feel like Roxas did. He still didn't know why he'd said it. But it had hurt more than he'd care to admit, though he was smart enough to know why. It was because it meant that Sora was there and Roxas wasn't.

xiii. Despite it all, till the very end, he had never considered himself separate from the Organization. He hadn't changed his name, still went by the identification _they_ had given him. Still the same dark portals, the same chakram, the same fire, the same damned emptiness. He was still Axel, and always would be one of _them_.

xiv. He had never known what Roxas' feelings toward him really were. Any version of him, really. What scared him, what made him angry was that it would never have made a difference with his own feelings.

xv. The only thing he regretted was that he'd never kissed Roxas, and he'd always wondered what it would feel like. If he would feel anything. He told himself it would only have been an experiment, but it's sad when you can't even lie to yourself. Besides, doing experiments was too creepily like Vexen.


End file.
